Beginning Corset Training!

I am excited to start getting into corseting again! Right now my natural waist is 28", and I hope to eventually get to 20-21" with a corset. When my natural waist was 27" I achieved 20", so I don't feel like this is unrealistic. 

I ordered new corsets from Corset Story on Saturday, and they came in the mail today (Wednesday). I'm wearing one now, though I just ate a full meal. With my natural waist at 29" right now, I am sittin' pretty at 27"...not a big reduction at all, but I am going to wear it an hour or two before bed, and will tighten it again in 30 minutes, once the fabric loosens and my body gets used to it a bit. I am also new to tight-lacing myself, so I'm sure my lacing skills will improve, as well.

Update: after tightening it, I'm now at 26.5".

Too Butch for Catcalls

Today a more masculine-presenting acquaintance of mine expressed, publicly, their frustration at having been hit on by men when they ran to the store in an undershirt (you know, the "wifebeater" that so many of our lovely butch women like to wear). "Do I not look gay enough?" she asks.

Though certainly not ill-intentioned, this sort of sentiment echos many misogynist tendencies that so many of our butch women express. For a wonderful article on Butch Misogyny, click here. 

Does my acquaintance believe that femme-presenting individuals, heterosexual women, women perceived to be heterosexual (or bisexual, or somehow attracted to men), or people perceived to be heterosexual women deserve to be catcalled and hit on whenever any man feels the need or desire to? Does she believe we are "asking" for it, by not trying harder to look gay? Probably not, but her statement and mindset can still be harmful to our community, especially when shared by many others.

Check out this article on why catcalling is not a compliment and how it ties into misogyny and rape culture. Here's a quote: 

It's not flattery, actually - it's harassment. Street harassment, to use the official term. And the thing about street harassment is that it is not meant to be a compliment, but, in fact, an aggressive assertion of male dominance by dehumanizing and hypersexualizing someone. 

When one gives thought to catcalling and other forms of street harassment in this sense, the fact that butch and masculine-presenting women are targets, too, is much easier to understand. 

The men who are performing street harassment do not (ever) believe that their targets are going to go out on a date with them, so their sexual orientation does not matter. Butch and masculine-presenting women (heck, even andro women, queer/trans* individuals, etc) are seen as infringing on male dominance and power through their gender presentation...which is a threat. Street harassment is one of the ways that the rape culture we live in is responding to this threat.

Adventures in Juicing: Feel Good Apple Juice

Ten small gala or Fuji apples!
Two limes!
Three inches of ginger!

Juice, shake, and feel better.

Real apple juice shouldn't be see-through.

Vacation!

I honestly don't believe I've ever needed a vacation so badly before. I'm ready for a week full of love and goodness and souls connecting and new experiences and beauty in all its forms.

My first night there, the universe is giving us a meteor shower.

36 hours until I arrive at the airport to get out of this desert...

New Beginnings

My memory is so bad, and I was in such a bad place last year, that I cannot even remember who I went to Pride with - I vaguely remember meeting someone there, but I can't recall who. 

I had a tarot reading done today - my very first. He told me I was coming from a space of oppression, and new beginnings were coming soon...that I should listen to my intuition about it. Very interesting, as in two short weeks I'll be off to New Orleans...

If you believe in nonviolence, educate yourself on both sides of the debate.

http://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/peter-gelderloos-how-nonviolence-protects-the-state

Nonviolence is Ineffective

Nonviolence is Racist

Nonviolence is Statist

Nonviolence is Patriarchal

Nonviolence is Tactically and Stategically Inferior

Nonviolence is Deluded

The Alternative: Possibilities for Revolutionary Activism

Consistency

Always everyone else's support system, because I don't know how to have a support system of my own. Because I will always be there for the people I care about, no matter what bullshit comes between us, no matter how many times they're not there for me.

Voices

our voices were stolen years ago
and still you speak for us while speaking of our stolen voices
we cannot stopped getting raped
your voice says all we do is scream while
men are taking our virginity, ruining us, breaking us 
and we are never again whole

in a world where we don't own our bodies 

what would our voices say?

Safe

Instead of a glass ceiling
I've built glass prison bars around me
I'll reach a hand out to touch you
You'll think I'm free

Skin

People gender skin.
I wonder if how uncomfortable I am with showing skin -- except for when I am very strongly performing one gender, namely during burlesque -- has anything to do with my identity and experiences as a genderfluid person.

Ticking Time Bombs

The good news...the biopsy results came back as benign, which was expected. 

The bad news...getting genetic testing is not covered by my insurance company, and would be $4,000...even though my mother was diagnosed at 35. I have somewhere between a 10% and 87% chance of developing breast cancer, and that's all we know right now.

Cigna and Blue Cross don't cover testing for cancer genes until you actually have cancer.

Top surgery is only $2k more. Because I don't adhere to the binary gender system, I am trans*...but not "trans enough" to have the faintest hope of getting the signatures needed for top surgery or finding a doctor to do it.

I can look forward to MRIs and ultrasounds twice a year...even though I have a lot of anxiety around seeing doctors and being in medical facilities...and even though this will (probably) cost me a couple grand (or more) a year. 

Shouldn't the insurance company see it is simply more cost effective to cut these ticking time bombs off of me sooner rather than later?

My medical decisions are largely decided for my based on what is and is not covered by my for profit insurance company.

Another reason I am not a capitalist.

I feel so incredibly disempowered.

I believe in soul mates.

I believe in soul mates. 

Our souls have best friends, lovers, matches who are out there in the world. I don't believe we each necessarily have just one. I don't believe every one of our soul mates is meant to be in our life for its entirety. 

Grrl needs some help.

It's incredibly difficult to wash the parts of me that need washing - my ribcage, my side, right under my armpit - that still have reside from the tape from the bandages on them when I'm sore and trying not to stretch too much, in case I make the cut from the biopsy bleed again. 

A sponge bath sounds great right about now.

Keep the mind busy.

I had a biopsy yesterday morning. It wasn't as bad as the last one - they didn't even have to switch to the bigger needle. I'm not as bruised and sore, which is nice. Results will be back by Wednesday, and will most likely be benign.

Still no word on when we can schedule the genetic testing.

I made three sets of pasties today, and did some cleaning.

I'm craving mozzarella and balsamic.

The cycle continues...

It's interesting when you call your doctor's office (a specialist, at that), and the first thing they say is "We were just talking about you!"

In any case, the MRI found another lump, probably non-cancerous. But! to be sure, there will be another ultrasound, and the possibility of another biopsy. 

Having breasts sure is expensive, even with insurance.

Still waiting to hear back about scheduling genetic testing...

It's awkward when you need to find someone to drive you to your doctor's appointment, and you can only think of one person.....yet another reminder of the abusive relationship you were in, and how isolated you became from all your friends as a result.

Snapshot | Hot Pink Kershaw Leek

No Matter, No Mind

No matter how many times people tell me they'll be there for me, 
it never surprises me when they're not.

"I'll try anything once!"

Today they are placing my body inside of a gigantic magnet. The way my atoms are rotating will be affected.

(Seriously, who even comes up with this stuff??)

The appointment setter for the MRI keeps reminding me to bring any films from any previous mammograms I've had, and I keep reminding her that I am only 26 and nobody does mammograms on a 26 year old, let alone a 26 year old with dense breast tissue.

Though I don't trust doctors to ever tell the full story, from what I can gather, they do not think I have any cancer in me at this moment...but they want to do an MRI to see what exactly is going on, nonetheless. 

Do Right

My Why Don't You Do Right cover - click here.

landmines & landmarks

our fingers map each others souls 
while our teeth graze over landmines 
left by those before us 
but we push and pull these boundaries 
deconstructing binaries and ghosts as we go 
your soul's glow grabs my pulse 
threading itself through my arteries and veins 
to embroider a landmark inside me 
not staking your claim but 
claiming the parts of me yours 
long before our physical forms so delicately 
intertwined

“Monsters cannot be announced. One cannot say: 'Here are our monsters,' without immediately turning the monsters into pets.”  

― Jacques Derrida

Phoenix Snapshots, 7th Ave & Montecito

Like Ships

we build the sails of our ships 
out of an old deck of cards
passing in the night until 
the sun crashes back into existence
this is what we hold on to
this is what we live for

With and Without Contrast

How much do you weigh?
Do you have any allergies to medications?
Are you pregnant?
Is there any metal in your body?

"...but I don't want to actually do anything about it."

One of the many problems with this generation (society?) is that so many of us are content to know that we are vehemently against abusers of the human race, abusers of our neighbors, great injustices in the world...but, as I heard tonight, "that doesn't mean [we] want to talk about it!"

Especially as a white person, a cis person, a straight person, an able-bodied person etc, it's easy to topically disagree with someone being an elected official or a person/system in power despite the fact that they are racist, sexist, blatantly disregarding human rights, not to mention disregarding state and federal laws (if you put much stock in legalities)...but to not actually take a public stand, to not actually do anything about it, to not want to be bothered by it any more than you really have to...which, as a person in a place of privilege, is not much. 

If you're not dying in prison because of inhuman conditions, if you're not being pulled over (and so much worse) because of your skin color, if you're not worried about finding a place to live or work because of your sexuality, why should you care?

Personally, I think that anyone with any amount of privilege (which is the large majority of people, myself certainly included) who does not stand up and speak out about injustices is a selfish soulless self-centered asshole. How many more people need to suffer, need to die, before we start talking about it, or (better yet!) doing something about it?

Racism (or sexism, or rape culture, etc) is not quaint or funny. It is a systematic oppression of a huge group of individuals who have done absolutely nothing to deserve it or bring it upon themselves. If I mention rape in a conversation, it's because I'm making a point--and the fact that, most of the time, my serious points are taken as jokes really says something. If I mention race in a conversation, it's because as a white person, I feel the need to speak up about how shitty my race and the systems in place treat people of color. If we don't draw attention to these things, who will?

People are struggling to live openly, people are unable to simply go about their daily lives, people are dying, and all you can do is joke about it or ignore it completely. What does that say about you? Are you really going to go through your entire life that way?

If you realize something is wrong, then realize that you could very well be in a position to do something about it.

Upon Further Examination

I realized I've been putting off really examining my life, because of how downright miserable and starved I am here.

I want to be around bigger fish than myself--I feel I've outgrown this tank.

Really?

Raise your hand if you know my name.
...not so fast, doctor's office!

Raise your hand if you remember things you told me in the past.
...not so fast, doctor's office!

Raise your hand if what you told me in the past was true.
...not so fast, doctor's office!


Raise your hand if I only have to tell you things once during the span of the same conversation.
...not so fast, doctor's office!

To be discussed further at a future point...

The intersection of kink-lifestyles and polyamory is so very interesting. 

Elusivity, Elasticity, Ecstasy

What parts of ourselves are so elusive that we aren't even aware of their existence until they are pulled or pushed out of us?

A Memory-Free Life

It's odd to think of experiences I had before the age of 20 as "traumatic"...they are part of the fabric of my life, and "traumatic" carries such a weight with it...in any case, some things happened to me. In the scheme of things, if one has a worldly view and conscious, the things that happened to me are not that terrible. I'm not sure if my lack of memories from my first 15 or so years is directly related to these experiences or not, but there you have it.

For me personally, the lack of memories is only challenging in a few, limited ways. It is awkward when I am asked to give a medical history to a doctor. It is detrimental to my success in English classes, when the writing prompt is "Share a memory from when you were 6 or 7 years of age..."...and yes, it would be nice to remember my mother's voice.

However, it is most harmful to relationships when lovers/partners think I am simply not opening up to them, that I am hiding something or holding back...and yes, it is frustrating when I wish I had more to share, but I simply do not.

Perhaps this falls into my belief that most people live a self-centered life--which is absolutely fine. We take care of ourselves, even when we allow ourselves to believe we are putting others first. If I am unable or unwilling to share memories from my past with someone, they often believe it is as a result of something they have done--that I am punishing them, that I am resisting creating a "real" connection. If my sex drive dies down, they will almost unfailingly insist it must be because I am no longer attracted to them, that I am unsatisfied with them or the relationship. 

To all my present and future lovers and partners - that is not the case. If you are taking me as a lover or partner, perhaps you should trust me enough to believe that.

At a friend's request...

Uke cover of Runaround Sue, a la lullaby, here.

Ever Since the Fire Went Out

We got married in a fever hotter than a pepper sprout

We've been talking 'bout Jackson  ever since the fire went out

I'm going to  Jackson, and that's a  fact

yeah, I'm going to  Jackson,  ain't never comin' back

For my Jackson cover, click here.

So Very Sapphic

As I sit in the breast specialist's office staring at a Georgia O'Keefe print and listening to "Come to my Window" playing softly in the background, I wonder if the irony is lost on them.

Then, an old white Catholic man peered into my breasts, as though they were crystal balls. 

● Reply hazy, try again

● Ask again later

● Better not tell you now

● Cannot predict now

● Concentrate and ask again

Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to the MRI I go...and to get fancy, new-fangled genetic testing. 

25%...50%...80%...at what point do I ask my insurance company if they will cover a double mastectomy a la FTM, rather than a la normative-reconstruction? I am not interested in having bags of saline replace these ticking time bombs.

The Fresh Prince of...Disembodiment?

My Prince of Bel-Air cover on the Uke, click here.

Mapping the Soul: Morning Musings

Mapping the soul means mapping its needs and desires. What does it crave...and why? It does not recognize institutions and systems such as marriage and privatized prisons, it has no knowledge of the class system and privilege. The soul is self centered and greedy, knowing only its own thirst...even if that thirst is to help others realize their own agency and fate.

What elements make up the soul? Agency, fate, desire, need, heart, fulfillment, lust, connectivity, rawness....and how watered down have these all become in contemporary society?

Geography of the Soul: Midnight Musings

“Your soul knows the geography of your destiny. Your soul alone has the map of your future, therefore you can trust this indirect, oblique side of yourself. If you do, it will take you where you need to go, but more important it will teach you a kindness of rhythm in your journey.”

 ― John O'Donohue, Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom

“There is an internal landscape, a geography of the soul; we search for its outlines all our lives. Those who are lucky enough to find it ease like water over a stone, onto its fluid contours, and are home. Some find it in the place of their birth; others may leave a seaside town, parched, and find themselves refreshed in the desert. There are those born in rolling countryside who are really only at ease in the intense and busy loneliness of the city. For some, the search is for the imprint of another; a child or a mother, a grandfather or a brother, a lover, a husband, a wife, or a foe. We may go through our lives happy or unhappy, successful or unfulfilled, loved or unloved, without ever standing cold with the shock of recognition, without ever feeling the agony as the twisted iron in our soul unlocks itself and we slip at last into place.”

― Josephine Hart

The soul doesn't understand geography and limitations of time and space. The soul is self-centered, knowing only its own needs and desires.

The Breast Connection: A Trailing of Thought

Breasts do not a woman make, nor do I identify as a woman. 

As a result of some health issues I am experiencing, I have been examining my feelings towards my breasts. As a queer genderfluid person who predominantly presents female and femme, I do have some fun with them. With some added padding, I can nicely fill out the top of a corset. I can shake them at people when I am performing and they will give me money. However, I do not always identify with them or even remember that they exist.

Would I have any challenges with making the decision to sacrifice my breasts in exchange for a far lesser chance of developing cancer? Would any lovers I have experience difficulty with this decision? As a CAFABulous queer person in the 21st century, what impact do breasts have on my queer identity and sensibilities and those of the people with whom I surround myself?

Would the modern healthcare system take issue with my personal decision to sacrifice my breasts for a more secure and healthy life? From a financial standpoint, at the very least, it will most likely be the most prudent decision...and most likely from a health standpoint, as well--however, our society and culture places so much weight and importance on  non-FTM CAFAB-people (trans* or cis) having and keeping their breasts, regardless of whether or not they will ever breastfeed or experience sexual pleasure from or ever identify strongly with them.

These trails of thought serve as yet another reminder that my trans* identity is erased in all but the most radical and forward-thinking and open-minded of circles, and another reminder that we are not allowed full control of our bodies.

Wanderlust & The Wayward Wind

The wayward wind is a restless wind
A restless wind that yearns to wander
And he was born the next of kin
The next of kin to the wayward wind

-Gogi Grant, "The Wayward Wind"

My sense of urgency was recently awakened by a tall, dark, handsome stranger who unexpectedly exploded into my life.  Am I living somewhere that has less to offer me than I it? What has been holding me here these past 8 years?

It will soon be time to move on, to grow, to flourish.

Currently occupying my mind is New Orleans, a place claimed to be unlike living in America...home to culture and queers and radicals and devoid of the police state culture present in so many other locations. A visit is in order, during which I will visit the universities and local stomping grounds.

I thirst for kindred spirits and soul growth.