Consistency

Always everyone else's support system, because I don't know how to have a support system of my own. Because I will always be there for the people I care about, no matter what bullshit comes between us, no matter how many times they're not there for me.

Voices

our voices were stolen years ago
and still you speak for us while speaking of our stolen voices
we cannot stopped getting raped
your voice says all we do is scream while
men are taking our virginity, ruining us, breaking us 
and we are never again whole

in a world where we don't own our bodies 

what would our voices say?

Safe

Instead of a glass ceiling
I've built glass prison bars around me
I'll reach a hand out to touch you
You'll think I'm free

Skin

People gender skin.
I wonder if how uncomfortable I am with showing skin -- except for when I am very strongly performing one gender, namely during burlesque -- has anything to do with my identity and experiences as a genderfluid person.

Ticking Time Bombs

The good news...the biopsy results came back as benign, which was expected. 

The bad news...getting genetic testing is not covered by my insurance company, and would be $4,000...even though my mother was diagnosed at 35. I have somewhere between a 10% and 87% chance of developing breast cancer, and that's all we know right now.

Cigna and Blue Cross don't cover testing for cancer genes until you actually have cancer.

Top surgery is only $2k more. Because I don't adhere to the binary gender system, I am trans*...but not "trans enough" to have the faintest hope of getting the signatures needed for top surgery or finding a doctor to do it.

I can look forward to MRIs and ultrasounds twice a year...even though I have a lot of anxiety around seeing doctors and being in medical facilities...and even though this will (probably) cost me a couple grand (or more) a year. 

Shouldn't the insurance company see it is simply more cost effective to cut these ticking time bombs off of me sooner rather than later?

My medical decisions are largely decided for my based on what is and is not covered by my for profit insurance company.

Another reason I am not a capitalist.

I feel so incredibly disempowered.

I believe in soul mates.

I believe in soul mates. 

Our souls have best friends, lovers, matches who are out there in the world. I don't believe we each necessarily have just one. I don't believe every one of our soul mates is meant to be in our life for its entirety. 

Grrl needs some help.

It's incredibly difficult to wash the parts of me that need washing - my ribcage, my side, right under my armpit - that still have reside from the tape from the bandages on them when I'm sore and trying not to stretch too much, in case I make the cut from the biopsy bleed again. 

A sponge bath sounds great right about now.

Keep the mind busy.

I had a biopsy yesterday morning. It wasn't as bad as the last one - they didn't even have to switch to the bigger needle. I'm not as bruised and sore, which is nice. Results will be back by Wednesday, and will most likely be benign.

Still no word on when we can schedule the genetic testing.

I made three sets of pasties today, and did some cleaning.

I'm craving mozzarella and balsamic.

The cycle continues...

It's interesting when you call your doctor's office (a specialist, at that), and the first thing they say is "We were just talking about you!"

In any case, the MRI found another lump, probably non-cancerous. But! to be sure, there will be another ultrasound, and the possibility of another biopsy. 

Having breasts sure is expensive, even with insurance.

Still waiting to hear back about scheduling genetic testing...

It's awkward when you need to find someone to drive you to your doctor's appointment, and you can only think of one person.....yet another reminder of the abusive relationship you were in, and how isolated you became from all your friends as a result.

Snapshot | Hot Pink Kershaw Leek

No Matter, No Mind

No matter how many times people tell me they'll be there for me, 
it never surprises me when they're not.

"I'll try anything once!"

Today they are placing my body inside of a gigantic magnet. The way my atoms are rotating will be affected.

(Seriously, who even comes up with this stuff??)

The appointment setter for the MRI keeps reminding me to bring any films from any previous mammograms I've had, and I keep reminding her that I am only 26 and nobody does mammograms on a 26 year old, let alone a 26 year old with dense breast tissue.

Though I don't trust doctors to ever tell the full story, from what I can gather, they do not think I have any cancer in me at this moment...but they want to do an MRI to see what exactly is going on, nonetheless. 

Do Right

My Why Don't You Do Right cover - click here.

landmines & landmarks

our fingers map each others souls 
while our teeth graze over landmines 
left by those before us 
but we push and pull these boundaries 
deconstructing binaries and ghosts as we go 
your soul's glow grabs my pulse 
threading itself through my arteries and veins 
to embroider a landmark inside me 
not staking your claim but 
claiming the parts of me yours 
long before our physical forms so delicately 
intertwined

“Monsters cannot be announced. One cannot say: 'Here are our monsters,' without immediately turning the monsters into pets.”  

― Jacques Derrida

Phoenix Snapshots, 7th Ave & Montecito

Like Ships

we build the sails of our ships 
out of an old deck of cards
passing in the night until 
the sun crashes back into existence
this is what we hold on to
this is what we live for